To Not Be Missed

Last night I dreamed that I was in a fast moving car with David, my old boyfriend, and we were both in the backseat. We weren't getting along, and I was getting progressively more angry at him. He was anxious and making me anxious. We had broken up but were thinking of getting back together, or it was in the air. I told him that I still loved him, and he told me that he still loved me. Thus we were going to figure out a way to make it work. I thought to myself, "I can't believe I'm going to try this a third time! This is crazy!" I thought about how I was caught up in it and could not make good decisions. I had been drawn into this increasingly tense relationship yet again! Then I told him that I missed him over the weekend, and he said that he didn't miss me at all. He said it in a gentle but matter-of-fact way. I began to panic in the dream, with the pain of knowing that he didn't miss me, and maybe that we would not be getting back together, but I think it was more a sense of being abandoned and alone. To not be missed. It cut to the core of my heart, and I felt utterly rejected and fearful. As we talked, I held his wrist and started to passively yet more aggressively dig my nails into his skin. I had to stop myself because I did not want to draw blood, and I did not want him to be able to see just how much he was getting under my skin. I may have thought of jumping out of this moving car but then instead decided to throw my shoes out of the car. I had an image of walking barefoot. It was night and in the city, and I imagined bare feet walking and how primitive the image was. It was a dark picture in my mind, feet that were alone. I was wearing my favorite shoes, slip on shoes that were pretty yet comfortable, and they were black. In the dream, however, the shoes were yellow or golden. I thought that if I threw my shoes out of the car, I might be able to get David's attention. It felt manipulative in that way and impulsive. I took off my shoes and threw them out of the car, and they landed outside of a bar or diner with neon lights. I then wanted my favorite shoes back, ones that I wear almost every day, and I thought to myself that later at night I could go back and get them. Who would want or find my old, comfortable shoes? Just as I thought that, Lauren, David's ex with whom he is still friends' to my distaste, stepped outside of the glowing bar and gave me a smug smile as she picked up my shoes and disappeared with them. Oh, boy. There went my shoes. I was not going to be able to get them back afterall. During this dream I was panicking, and I thought in the dream how much anxiety I was beginning to endure with David in the relationship and how much anxiety he embodied. I thought to myself how I had sort of blocked it out but now I was feeling it. I woke up panicking.