Wandering into Marriage (A Dream...)

Last night I dreamed that I was at a court to watch a trial. Then it became someone else's wedding. Then it became my own. My wedding was in a church, and I was marrying a woman who I had a light crush on in college, Erika (or Arika?, you know how names go at these liberal art schools). Erika is an interracial (Af-Am/causcasian), feminine, voluptuous girl...who liked to hug trees (liberal arts school again). The church had wooden benches and was small with nice light. My family was on one side of the church, along with the other guests, and I was all by myself towards the back row on the other side. We were going up to the front separately even though we were marrying each other. I had already gone up and said whatever I'd needed to, and now it was Erika's turn. I had sort of wandered into marriage. I wasn't sure I knew that's what I was doing, and as I sat on the bench, I began to become conscious of it. I was decorating the wall by my wooden bench with pictures and art and quotes of mine. I used to do that in high school, a young way to show my individuality. I was making the little space that I was sitting in on the bench cozy and mine. I was a little aware that the guests must think my behavior odd, and I tried to make the space with my art small and black-and-white (instead of bold color) so as not to interfere in the marriage ritual. In real life I don't know Erika's parents, but in the dream Erika's father was black, and her mother was white. They were conservative and from a small town, and I wondered if this marriage was a bad idea because I would not fit into her family. I also wondered how this wedding came about. I remembered visiting Erika on several occasions and dating her (in the dream) but did we know each other well enough to commit for life? I wasn't so sure. Then Erika became a butch lesbian named Brook Line. She was a large and tall, well-groomed caucasion woman with spiked black hair. Brook Line was who I was going to marry. Since I had already taken my vows in front, it was Brook's turn to go up. She walked in from outside, smiling, and ready to take her vows. My aunt Emily pointed at Brook and whispered to my mom, "Is that Brook Line?" My mom said yes. I thought to myself that we were getting married too quick if my family didn't even know who she was. As Brook spoke her vows, I began to become increasingly anxious. I knew that if I did not interject in the ceremony that within a few minutes I would be legally married to Brook, and I didn't know if I was ready. Brook spoke, and I sat in the audience fearful and not knowing what to do. It was an odd situation to be in because I knew I would literally have to scream out, "No, stop!" This would be an awkward thing to do at my own wedding. Everyone else was quiet and happy and well-behaved. I thought about how I did feel more comfortable that we were each taking our vows separately. I liked that I had my own space. Yet I thought that for marriage I should be more connected if it was a real, loving marriage. As the moment approached for us to be declared married, committed for life, I began to panic, feeling very out of control.