Cut to the Bone
Last night I dreamed that the door to my apartment was broken. A piece of the wood in the door was missing (lengthwise) so that one could get in or stare inside my apartment. I was undressed, and a patient and his father walked by, making me feel embarrassed and panicked about the problem with the door. The door kept breaking more, exposing me more, and also making me unsafe inside my apartment. There was a grisly image of the door with a piece of its inner frame sticking out, like a metal stick. The sight was "grisly" because it reminded me of a human being cut to the bone, like a bone sticking out of a leg due to injury.
3 Comments:
Random associations:
The patient's father who was in this dream is very invasive in real life, always barging into my office at work. I actually like him but he's difficult to manage and is crazy.
L, my new girlfriend, slept over for the first time the night I had this dream, so letting someone into my apartment and into my life is vulnerable.
My mom has been coping for quite awhile with a leg injury.
The broken door, with a piece missing, has a similar feel to a walker with a piece missing (see previous dream). What do I do with something broken? Can it be repaired? Do I need it? Could something broken be me with my depression and anxiety...maybe even the adult me in general? Do I get rid of myself, fix myself, replace myself, or live with myself the way I am...or some combination? Entering into a relationship (with L) that has the potential for a future means that I must view myself as having a future, and that (simply imagining a future for myself in general) is scary to me.
"Cut to the bone" (the phrase and idea) is again vulnerable. A relationship means exposing oneself in many ways and taking a big risk. I see this in relation to dating L even if I enjoy it.
I notice that dating L is bringing up lots of potent dreams. Dating anyone in a serious way would probably have this effect.
A door is like a wall, so breaking down a door could be a good thing too, even if it's scary. "Cut to the bone" could mean finding the real me, carving a future for myself. Spending time away from my dad is helping me to find myself I think (I've been making a conscious effort to limit my time with him). Getting rid of a door and a walker both expose me on my own, as myself. It's getting late, so I doubt I'm making sense anymore :-).
One other thought: The grisly image reminded me of when I was raped. The image of the door in that flash was bloody, and there was an unstated threat of death.
Jen, I think all your associations are extremely valuable. I had one of my own that probably doesn't compute with you: the way the world trade ctr. looked after 9/11.
D., and maybe M. too, were so intrusive, in your childhood it was important to preserve your inner self, and now it's more functional to shine your light on the world-- and also let the world in: good, bad, ugly, just the real stuff. B
Your interpretations sounded totally right on. And your final comment, though seemingly just tacked on to your post seems quite insightful as well, especially given the vulnerability of becoming physically intimate with someone new and developing trust in them.
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