Perugia, Italy
A few nights ago I dreamed that my mom and my brother Dave and I were going on a trip to Perugia, Italy. They had come up with the idea and were of course very excited about it. I was swept up in their excitement and the sense that I should want to go on a trip to Italy because everyone would want that. I did think it would be an incredible experience only deep down I didn't really want to go. But as I sat in the airport and thought about how I didn't want to go, I became anxious because I already had a ticket in my possession. The wheels were already in motion. I was to meet Dave and Mom in Italy. I was at the airport in Boston because Cindy and I had been in Boston in her old neighborhood that weekend, and she had dropped me off at the airport for my flight. I had about four hours to wait and so I had to figure out whether to return my ticket quickly. I was worried about what my mom would think and that she would lose money because she had bought the ticket for me. Most of all I knew I didn't want to go because I didn't have my books and art supplies with me. I didn't want to be separated from all that was "me" and what I like to do with my time. I couldn't go pick up my possessions because I was in Boston, not New York. I was particularly anxious that I didn't have my special noise-reduction headphones that I wear to bed at night. No, I would definitely have to cancel the ticket. I called my mother and didn't know how to tell her, so I just said, "I can't go to Italy because I don't have my headphones with me, and I'm too far away to have time to go get them." She said in a playful, encouraging way, "I'd like the opportunity to spend time with you when you don't have your headphones on." And then the dream ended.
8 Comments:
1) Well, Perugia, Italy is where Amanda Knox, the nice American college student, was just sentenced to spend 26 years in jail for a murder that she might or might not have committed.
2) My friend Jenny K and her fiance Steph are planning for Jenny K to get pregnant and have a baby in the somewhat near future. So Cindy said to me that if I wanted to have a baby, she wanted me to be able to have that opportunity. I thought that I should want to but that I don't for a variety of reasons including the cost of children; not believing in choosing to give birth to a child with so many children out there who don't have homes (emphasized during all of my years of work with kids in need of permanent homes); as well as enjoying spending my time when I'm not working with kids doing my own thing like reading and going to the gym and doing my art and enjoying the silence away from the kids. I think maybe the time in the airport was like turning 37 and realizing that should I want the possibility of giving birth I'd need to get right on it. And also having it on my mind out of the societal expectation that that is what I should want.
3) This is a dream that always repeats in different forms: My mom and Dave are going on a trip to a foreign country, and I'm not wanting to go but somehow on or almost on the trip. This is of course true to life. They are always on the go, particularly David, and I'm always trying to avoid going on a trip because I like my routine and don't want to spend money or feel that I don't have it to spend.
4) Perhaps having the headphones off would be considering another way of being in the world for myself? Or being pressured to be that way because others are and it's expected of me?
5) I think the dream might also have to do with moving and my anxiety surrounding that.
't that where they make those chocolate candies? "I'd like the opportunity to spend time with you when you don't have your headphones on."
I hadn't read 5) and was just going to write "moving anxiety could be a big part of this dream." Well, okay, and now I have anyway! Routine and its disruption, and feeling really protective of having what you need for comfort with you. Love and hugs.
I am so looking forward to talking about this face to face on Friday!
You wear your headphones when you sleep right? So why is your mother saying she would like to have the opportunity to spend time with you when you don't have your headphones on? Am I the only one that thinks this is significant? Isn't your mother playing the role of B.B. in this dream. It sounded coy and playful to me...and a little lascivious.
Is room mate womb mate?
I fully understand your leave-taking anxiety--I have LOTS of it myself but for better or worse usually fall on the side of going.
I hope you will resume Venice (not Italy) soon or next winter.
I love you, girl. B
Maybe Perugia and the girl in jail is like having a child?
On your own in a foreign country in jail.
Just a thought. I love your dreams and appreciate them as I'm not having too many myself right now!
Love, Auntie Em.
Fascinating dream. I *so* relate to feeling I *should* want something when I really don't. Or sometimes I don't even know whether I want it or not, so confused I get by the pressure of what I *should* want.
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