4 siblings, all with different fathers
Last night I dreamed that BB was kind of pushing me into us taking in 4 special needs foster children of various ages (siblings but all 4 had different fathers), and there would be an abusive, borderline mother involved. And the situation would continue indefinitely. I had mixed feelings about it. I believe in helping children, and the idea felt exciting. Maybe we could be of help to this family and especially the children. I thought how there is always a positive element to shaking things up in a relationship and how change can bring with it a new, interesting chapter despite the stress involved. However, overriding these feelings were misgivings about this venture. I thought that it was happening too quickly and considered how I'd like to get to know the kids a bit before making such a big commitment. They were going to be living with us likely forever. I wanted to know how I connected to this family. I also thought about the potentially negative ways my life would change if we did this. How would I get any kind of downtime with 4 kids, let alone 4 kids with so many problems and an abusive mother involved? I thought about how it would be easier to take in 1 or 2 of the siblings than all 4. Then I felt guilty that BB might disapprove of me thinking about breaking up a family for my own needs. So I was going along with it all but felt anxious and frenzied.
4 Comments:
I think this is pretty much all about the move!
BB was the one who wanted to move in the first place and really pushed to make it happen. Exciting for me but also anxiety provoking.
Last night BB was talking about how there are ten boxes of her books stored at her sister's house, and most of it is her old lesbian fiction collection that she keeps alphabetized and is very protective of. I asked if she could get rid of some of them and felt guilty when she told me that she could never break up such a special collection and that she'd already gotten rid of a lot of other things.
BB is always talking about our life changing when we move into the new apartment. Like having people over and having parties, and it always makes me nervous. Despite my penchant for clutter, I like to keep things neat and private and hate the suburban style of women spending so much time cooking for and then cleaning up after guests, just not my thing.
The move happens in a month and we are buying, taking on a huge 30 year mortgage, and that feels daunting as well.
I'm still overall very happy about it but right now I'm quite anxious about the process. I know I'll feel better when we are all settled.
I also think buying a home, having our own ostensibly forever home, brings with it fears of turning into my family. I hated how my mother was treated by my father and how she was always directed away from her own needs. BB is not like that but the fear is still there.
I definitely think some anxiety about such a big change is totally to be expected. You're so aware and healthy! I admire that in you so much. You will definitely entertain in your own personal style, which is stunning! And of course, don't forget: You have a fabulous delivery system for veggie dim sum as needed. Huge hugs with neck and shoulder rubs built in.
This is a VERY involved dream! 4 special needs kids=our family. Take it from there. B
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