The Letter
Last night I dreamed that I got to school on Monday morning but I was exhausted. Physically and emotionally, my soul felt depleted. I could barely think or move, and I didn't go to the group that I facilitate every Monday at 10am. When I realized that it was 11am, I still felt too worn out to think much but I knew that the teaching assistant for that class, who functions more like the teacher, is a very strict woman. I felt scared about what she must be thinking about me not showing up. I started to write her a letter telling her that I was sick, as that was the only way I could think to explain how I was feeling, and it was better than nothing. But every time I started to write the letter, blood ran down the page like tears, and puddles of blood covered the words. How could I give this to her? The most vivid element of the dream was the blood covering everything on the page, bright red, dark red, spilling down and blurring ink or clustered on top of words in clumps. It was shocking to me, and yet I was also preoccupied with needing to recover myself, to maintain my sense of being a functioning professional. I began to panic, realizing that I could not complete my letter, that is was ruined and useless. I could not do anything, and so I began to cry, and I cried endlessly, overwhelmed by an all encompassing sadness, something vast and unhealed inside me, pouring out, unstoppable.
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This dream reminds me a bit of my last dream below it in that there is confusion about whether I am the professional or the troubled child, perhaps a fear of sliding from one into the other, especially when I am on edge. There is also a great fear of others knowing how damaged I am in ways at times inside, of not being able to show the side of myself that is "together" to the outside world, of instead being overtaken by pain and sadness.
One of my best friends, JK dumped me, and I know that has set me back, made me feel like the ground beneath me is unsteady, triggered memories of my father's abandonment, also coinciding with rape, and trying to function in graduate school. Being cast out by someone I love and depend on is perhaps the most painful triggering thing that can happen. The fact that JK ended things with me only a few weeks after she had asked me some very personal questions about that time period that I described, causing me to cry, has left me so angry. In our last conversation she told me that she was "bored of our friendship" and had been "for a long time" and that she felt only "relief" at being done with it, then I began to wonder why would she have asked me such intimate questions, with me trusting what she had always said: that I was her dearly loved best friend. At night when I'm flooded with thoughts, I put on my headphones and turn on my book on CD loudly to try and drown out intense feelings so that I can sleep. But sometimes even that doesn't work. Doing that reminded me of relying on words in the dream (writing a letter) but being abandoned even by the words.
Very intense and sad. Very like about the JK situation. The Dream Dictionary is pretty accurate here:
Blood
To see blood in your dream, represents life, love, and passion as well as disappointments. If you see the word "blood" written in your dream, then it may refer to some situation in your life that is permanent and cannot be changed. If something else is written in blood, then it represents the energy you have put into a project. You have invested so much effort into something that you are not willing to give it up.
To dream that you are bleeding or losing blood, signifies that you are suffering from exhaustion or that you are feeling emotionally drained. It may also denote bitter confrontations between you and your friends.
Crying
To dream that you are crying, signifies a release of negative emotions that is more likely caused by some waking situation rather than the events of the dream itself. Your dream is a way to regain some emotional balance and a way to safely let out your fears and frustrations. In our daily lives, we tend to ignore, deny, or repress our feelings. But in our dream state, our defense mechanisms are no longer on guard and thus allow for the release of such emotions.
Missing A Meeting
To dream that you are late or miss a meeting, signifies anxieties that you are not measuring when it comes to your professional life and toward achieving your goals. You may feel unprepared in some situation or challenge in your waking life.
I wonder if missing the group has more to do with being in the process of doing IEPs in the midst of this emotional upheaval.
Love you.
I love you JennyKate! Take care... Diana
{{{{{{{{{{Jenny}}}}}}}}}} It's JK compounding the other not-so-distant-yet experience, and all those IEPs too! I don't have a dream dictionary, but BB's info seems spot on. How well I know that feeling, of having the rug pulled out from under one, and how it triggers old and very painful wounds.
Are you reading the Virginia Satir passage you sent me? Please do. I so hate that you've had to go through such a painful emotional experience, and right when you need to be super (extra) focused in your professional life. Please know that I will ALWAYS believe in you, and always (I do mean that and have no doubt or hesitation in saying always) be your friend, and love you very much.
Sometimes I think it's people who present themselves as stable and balanced ... but aren't ... who are truly the most dangerous people in the world.
You have the power of expression and wonderful, powerfully wondrous peole who love you and will love you always. B
ps i w t k j k.
I know what I have to say is cold comfort, but I can't feel anything but relief that a moronic self-destructive bimbet is out of your life. I am truly sorry that this removal is causing you such pain, but like having some poisonous thorn removed from your soul your walk in life will improve with its loss. I love you Sweet One, Sherrie
the blood covering the letter may be an assertion of and uncovering/rediscovery of your own strength and femininity . . . perhaps an identification with the strong female teaching person that is in the 10am group - RMF
Ahhh... I like that last commment. Yes, my therapist is always telling me that I *am* each of the people and things in the dream. I forget the type of dream analysis she calls this. But she has me say, "I am the blood" and then speak from the blood's point of view. But yes, I like that you are also that stern teacher whom intimidates you - we are all both weak and broken, but also strong. What an intense dream, Jenny! I think that one would haunt me for quite some time.
I'm sorry to hear you're trying to drown out your feelings with books on CD. I'm hoping you'll realize that you already are strong enough and courageous enough to be feeling those feelings - even if only in your dreams. They say, "The only way out is through." And I wish you much strength and love on that journey.
*hugs*
Blood is one of the most important symbols that everyone should consider or think about. Your dream should not be taken lightly.
My question to you is, "What was the word you were writing?"
Thanks for your comment, appreciated. I wish I could answer your question but I can't recall.
Jennynyc
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