Allure
Last night I dreamed that there were a mother and a daughter in bondage. The mother was placed in front of the daughter, though they were not tied together. They were part of a movie called “Allure.” The husband/father had set up the bondage. Whenever he would return to the home and then leave, the door closing pulled the bondage tighter. The movie was supposed to be a romantic drama. The audience was my Havurah (group of Jewish friends) from my childhood (My Havurah was composed of families and a lot of elderly folk from my temple who would get together to eat good food, talk politics, play games, celebrate holidays, and provide support). In the dream I was upset that the movie was misrepresenting the women’s experience to the audience by making it appear entertaining and somewhat light. In the dream I closed my eyes and imagined what they were really feeling. I imagined that it was a horrible, lonely experience and that the women would likely eventually die. I felt sorry for the women and thought that death might be welcome.
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This weekend while I was at home I reread “The Drama of the Gifted Child.” It was the original edition actually, entitled, “Prisoners of Childhood.” Whereas the first time I read it (a few years ago), I was bored by it, this second time I very much identified with it. I wonder if it related to my dream. One of the central ideas presented in the book is that parents (or a parent) suppresses the child’s true self (making it die) and so the child develops a false self that is really to satisfy the parents’ needs. Then when a person goes thru psychoanalysis they must face the horror of recalling the death of their true self from childhood (and then gradually resurrect the true self). I see my dad as the one most responsible for interrupting the development of my true self. When I write or do art, I feel that my true self is coming out. When I lose my ability to write or it feels stifled, I feel that my false self is dominating me. I’ve felt that way for the past year or so until recently.
Ma: "act like a lady" and die.
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